Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
