i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.