I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Randomize
