i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
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