Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
