I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
