i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Randomize
