At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
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