btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
