I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
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