Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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