I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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