this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Is it penis luge time yet?
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
