I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
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