i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize