Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
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