I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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