all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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