I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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