Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
