Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Farmville is her only friend.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
