I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Randomize
