we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Randomize
