Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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