I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
