you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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