The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
