I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
ps... at the end of one of the videos you yell "let's do the eiffel tower again.. i'll be in the middle!" .. i almost died lolol
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
