Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
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