I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
