I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
