Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
