he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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