Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
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They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
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She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
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