I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
