i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
