My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Randomize
