Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
