I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
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Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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