that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
