you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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