I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
