Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
