My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
