Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
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