my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
