I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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