I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Randomize
