There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
