mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
