He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Randomize
