Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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