you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
