Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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