And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
