I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
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