cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
