1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
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