At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
