Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Just pee around me
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
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