Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize